A day to make one cudgel their brains

Had a bad day.

I have eaten a whole bag of fruit pastilles, 5 jaffa cakes, a club biscuit, 3 custard creme's and 3 slices of toast. I tried to have a jacket potato with prawns and salad for lunch, but I just ate the prawn jollop and a few leaves. I feel a bit sick.

I have been a bit down today. Can't really explain it. My brother moved into his first house yesterday and we went to see it today. Its lovely. It reminds me of our first house. DH had bought the house with his ex girlfriend a year before I met him. I moved in with him when we married... It was a bit of a heap, but I did it up as best I could. We didn't have any cash or anything and had to move just after we married as I was pregnant with DS.

My brothers place was expensive. Don't get me wrong, they could not have got anything cheaper other than a flat, so they stretched themselves and got this 2 up 2 down little mid terrace 1800's cottage which is lovely. Basically the same as our first place but in a different town. But.... It has been re plastered, wooden floored, stripped reclaimed pine doors, brick floor uncovered in kitchen, original fireplaces (2 of them!) both in open working order for snug nights in, brand new double glazed windows, working central heating, cute courtyard garden that is tastefully gravelled and honeysuckled and fig treed and rose bushed and 'victorian' wrought ironed. All the light fittings are 'period' style and cute. The bathroom has a lovely white suite and nice tiles. The kitchen is new and simply needs an open bottle of wine ad the smell of a roast to top it off.

I sound like I begrudge him it. I don't.

I just wonder when we will ever get a break. Our house still isn't finished and we have lived here for 6 years. They always seem to be endless money pits. All 3 of them have never been show house quality. Ever. My brothers is. Once he has put all his stuff away and found places to show off his junk (including the 7 or 8 antique trinket boxes and curios my mum has had in her bureau for the last 35 years which he has decided will look 'quaint' in his house and has simply taken - oh and a very old and probably valuable Japanese water colour), he will just have to kick back and watch the telly and drink a cold beer.

I think of the slog we still have to do on this gaff. It made me cry actually.

Some people lead seemingly charmed lives. My brother is one of them. I do everything on the level, work hard and pay my taxes as does DH. Give back to Caesar what is Caesar's etc. My brother is a cantacerous arse of the first order and everything falls into his lap effortlessly.

I am quite sure that their wedding will be wonderful and they will have 2 delightful children at exactly the right time for them and they will be perfect and healthy and they will have charmed lives too.

I can't help but be secretly peeved at my lack of luck.

I could go on and on about the complete opposites of our lives, my brother and I.

Think of something awful.... that's my families life.
Think of something jammy.... that's my brothers life!

You probably think I am being sensitive. I'm not.

Maybe one day I will be able to afford a house that is already 'done'. Mind you I couldn't live with my Mum and Dad for years stashing my cash away like he has been able to. I was married at 20 and had DS at 22.

I would change my life.

I know I should say I wouldn't change my life for the world, but I would. I love my husband and my son to bits and I would definitely change all of our lives for the better, if only I knew how.

Mind you, everything comes at a price. Maybe we have paid our's.

weigh in tomorrow. Can't be bothered to drive to slimmingworld, and seeing as I haven't been there for the last 3 weeks, I think I shall use the break to change to weighing at the chemists from now on.

I will let you know what the damage is tomorrow.

nighty night