Strange weigh in...

Well here I am again writing from my NEW PC. Yep. The old one finally died yesterday morning. We have had it fixed twice before and we were basically throwing good money after bad, so thought "stuff it" and drove to PC world and bought the cheapest one in the shop. Its got Vista on it, which is well different to XP. I like it though. Seems OK to me.

went for my weigh in today. I weighed on my scales at home and they said I had lost 2 pounds... 16 stone 4lb (or 228lb) but when I went to the chemist and jumped on their scales they yelled "OUCH GET OFF YOU FAT GIT" and said I was 16stone 8pounds (232lbs).

Hmmm So I have either put on 2 or lost 2... Its definitely 2 though!!

So I don't know if I am happy or not. I think that my scales are correct, as they have been accurately measuring me for ages... but I just can't trust them totally.

Whatever, I have a fill on Saturday, so we shall go from there and I am also taking my Friends advice and doing slimfast for a bit to help me out. I am not going to start until Wednesday though, because that is when we get our meal delivery from Wiltshire farm foods. It will be much easier then.

But until then, I am making a concerted effort to stick to blew 1000 cals again. I think I have been a bit wayward since being home from holiday, especially as we ran out of meals last Monday, and I have *shock horror* had to cook myself! Its never easy late at night when I am tired, and I do tend to think "Oh whatever" and do something easy, rather than nutritious.

So today started badly... ish.

Went to the chemist and was annoyed because it said I had put on 2 pounds and walked straight into the next door newsagents and bought a bag of crisps. I know... comfort eating. I even stood there looking them up and down for a while. then I walked around the corner and looked at the notepads and colouring books and rubbish they have in newsagents, and then I wandered back to the crisp selection. I grabbed one guiltily. I was even thinking whilst I paid for them and DS's sweets that they might think about how fat I am and how could I buy that. I also thought that they were thinking stuff like "I bet her boy turns out just like her" which is so never going to happen. Its like torture. I hate myself. I hate the way my mind works ad puts me down all the time. If I want a packet of crisps I should not feel guilty, but conversely I should not just want a packet of crisps because I feel bad about putting on weight. I mean what is wrong with my brain???? Its like self destruct.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I should have the courage to think "right I am going to cheer myself up by NOT having the crisps and knowing that I have a few less calories than normal" or something.

I have read that people with eating disorders the opposite from me.. (i.e. the eating disorders where people DON'T eat) actually get a pleasure out of denying themselves stuff. I can't help but feel jealous to be honest. I know that's a bit "out there" but I am serious. Why, out of all the eating disorders there could be do I have the one that makes me go to food as a comfort rather that look at food denial as a comfort. I mean if I had to have an eating disorder at all, then I would prefer the latter. I am not being facetious. Of course guess people with anorexia or similar would wish they could eat more and not deny themselves and think the total opposite of me. To be honest I just wish I was frigging NORMAL, but that is obviously not the case.

I want to change my mindset and the way my mind looks at food. HOW DO I DO THAT? How do anorexics stop punishing themselves and looking at food as the enemy. How do I stop looking at food as my soul mate and only comforter? I mean, it doesn't actually HELP me either. I ate that bag of crisps and I didn't feel any better. I know that I will feel crud after eating them, but I still make myself believe that I will feel better if I eat them. God I am screwed up.

I guess none of this makes sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me. I feel like a psycho.

Rant over...

Here's what I have had to eat today... and given that I feel pretty sorry for my self and annoyed and want to eat, I think its pretty good.

1 big eat size bag of walkers crisps 265 cals

1 pitta bread 225 cals

5 cherry tomatoes 15 cals

56g cheese 205 cals

So today I have had 710 cals.

That's not good considering I have to eat tonight.... but I will be getting in late so I could stop and get a ready meal. Yep, that's what I will do.

Pool update...

If it doesn't stop raining I think we will have a disaster on our hands....