Completely strung out about my weight

I am having a hard time at the moment.
I have not been happy since coming back from Sri Lanka...
I don't know why, but my weight has just gone up and up since then.

I am not eating too much, but I am not eating the right things either.

I now weigh 17stone 9 and a half pounds (247.5lbs). That means since I was banded in February I have lost only 4 and a half pounds... Or should I say I have Re- gained 19 pounds. since I went to Sri Lanka.

Is this 100% down to me being a stupid cow?

I know what I am doing, but I don't know why I do this.

I think I want to lose the weight... but maybe I don't...? I can't understand why I keep sabotaging myself. Its like there is something inside me that likes being this way... and its stronger that the one that wants to be thin.

This 'fat me' is really strong. It pushes me so hard to do the wrong thing. And I do it.

The 'thin me' is a weak and pathetic thing made of whimsy voile or something that is like one of those old Victorian ladies with consumption... all floaty and romantic.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I must sound like a complete stupid mad ridiculous nutcase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since coming back from Sri Lanka I think I have made about 6 fresh starts at losing the weight. Each time I fail. I get to a point and then pig out. I have never done this before and its scary. The other day I ate 9 chocolate covered muesli bars, 4 packets of crisps, 1 family bag size of minstrels and a bottle of red wine in just ONE EVENING!

These were just snacks. For my dinner that evening I had a Chinese takeaway - duck pancakes, sweet and sour chicken, prawn crackers, fried noodles, seaweed, sticky beef... etc.

Nothing I eat is a lot of food... its just the really WRONG food.

I eat the wrong thing at every opportunity.

I am binge eating too. I feel total scum when I do it.

*

So I went back to Slimmingworld with TB on Tuesday. The 'consumptive thin me' made the decision that I simply cannot do this alone. The last time I went to slimmingworld was before my holiday. This is the one big thing that has changed, and I know it kept me on the straight and narrow. Even if I did have a few off days, I would re-focus on the fact that I would be weighed the next week and start to do something about it.

So I went there not knowing what my weight was and I was DISGUSTED with myself.

I spent all that money on myself - went through all that agony - am STILL going through pain - and all I can do is eat like a fat stupid pig who doesn't know better.

I hate myself right now. I hate the person who gives in when temptation occurs.

I know I do want to lose weight, and I want to get rid of the strange tempter in my head.
I am also having a fill on Saturday. I booked it in yesterday as I know I don't have any restriction at all. I can eat anything I damn well please and to be honest, if I didn't have port pain, I wouldn't know I had a band in place right now. Something is not right.

I will try hard to sort my head out.