At sabotage point

Ok folks...

Weight 16 stone 2 pounds and holding...

The time has come, and I am now sabotaging my weightloss. I am doing it consciously.

I get to this point on whatever diet I am 'doing' where I decide I just cant take it any more.

Admittedly, there are quite a few things going on right now that could also be making me revert to type, but I also feel that this particular weight is a point I don't believe deep down that I will ever break through.

I spent ALL of today in bed. ALL DAY! At 2pm I had a glass of squash and 2 weetabix. I then went back to sleep. I got up at 6pm and drank the cold coffee that was at my bedside which had obviously brought in by DH earlier to tempt me to get up.

Then I made dinner for DS and also for myself. I made some spinach and ricotta tortellini and topped it with some puttanesca sauce that I had frozen from a couple of weeks ago. I managed to eat half of the plate.

Then I later had another glass of squash.

Good day so far... then I started looking at the web at pictures of Stoma's and illiostomy bags and all kinds of stuff about colorectal cancer and other peoples stories.

FUCKING MISTAKE

I grabbed a box (!) of toffifee that Carina's Mum had sent to us in a big parcel full of goodies in a 'Thank You for having my daughter and looking after her' gesture.

Each toffifee is 45 calories. I ate 13. do the maths.
I then went back to the cupboard about half an hour later and grabbed bag of Lindt Nougat eggs that also came in the package. I had 4 of them, as DH swiped one. I also had half a bottle of red wine - in total and lucid knowledge that I am going to SERIOUSLY regret it tomorrow.

So today my intake of calories was 1913 and I am feeling like a sad sack of shit.

My calorie intake is calculated by the daily plate to not exceed 1650 cals per day so that I can lose 2 pounds a week. I have never exceeded that amount.

I feel totally sick and ashamed of myself, but at the same time kind of pleased too.

Boy am I glad I have a fill coming up on Saturday. I knew it was a good idea to book that bastard. I have been the same weight for the last 3 weeks. I cant help but think that the daily plate is in fact wrong because I have not gone above 1500 cals during that whole time, and mostly less than 1000; According to them I should have lost 2 pounds a week. Just shows not everyone is a statistic that fits an equation huh.

I can feel the pressure of being in the 15 stone somethings and there is something in me that does NOT want me to get there. I am hoping that when I push through that barrier I wont have any more head-fucks like this, but I am guessing the barrier between 14 and 15 will be the same.

So I might not weigh for a couple of weeks (did I just say that?) and see if not knowing takes the pressure off or drives me out of my mind and straight into the nut house.