P'd off

Not in the mood. Completely pissed off with myself.

I cant believe we are the end of July and I have lost nothing basically since MAY.

Oh what the hell is wrong with me?

I feel shit. Cystitis is killing me slowly, as are the stupid ,ind games I play with myself. I just need to relax and let life happen. If I could, I think I would inject lard into my veins... such is the self sabotaging of my stupid fat ass!

I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I DO WANT TO.

What a screw up. I am even considering forgetting the bloody band as eating is a joke. I just cant handle it, and I am thinking about having all the fluid out and just having a normal life for a bit. I just don't know what to do because on the other hand I really do like the fact that I weigh less and stuff, and look better bla bla. Being slimmer doesn't seem to be making me as happy as I thought it would, or even as happy as I was last year in the initial weightloss phase before it broke.

The band break is still well and truly with me. I have not got over it. I am so wound up about how this works for everyone else and even the people who had the operation in November for the first time have lost like 60 pounds or something.

I feel very fucking sorry for myself.

Today's food & drink intake:

1 coffee
1 bag of 'Skips' style crisps in a party size bag
1 coffee
2 jelly babies
2 pints of water
1 pint of squash and potassium citrate liquid
Salad - comprising lettuce, beetroot, potato, coleslaw & a bite of quiche
2 pints of water

I feel as miserable as sin, and I hate the band. I just want to eat. I want to eat so badly.

I wish I had had the bypass.