When the truth hurts

Yesterday morning I wrote a long, rambling post about my marriage. At noon I read it again and deleted it. I know some of you read it and a few responded. Thank you for your support. As always, it is greatly appreciated. You have no idea how much it means to me that people reach out to me and genuinely care.

The reason I deleted the post was because it was flippant, sarcastic, and made fun of my marital situation. The truth is that a marriage in trouble is nothing to laugh about. It's not funny. It hurts. That's how I handle painful emotional situations, I laugh. Ha ha, my life is so funny. If I was being honest, I'd tell you how much it hurts and how it's not at all funny.

We have an appointment next Thursday for our first session of marriage counseling. My husband insisted on it. Recently he discovered some things about me that I wish he didn't know. They're private things, and things that shame and embarrass me. Even in spite of finding out about my deepest, darkest secrets, he still wants to save our marriage.

In the meantime, we've started reading the book, The Love Dare. It's the book mentioned in the movie Fireproof. We started the book several weeks ago, before he knew my secrets, but for some reason we stopped. Perhaps because I wasn't giving it my all, or perhaps I just didn't care. On Tuesday, after one of our worst arguments of my 22 years of knowing my husband, he insisted on the marriage counseling and working through The Love Dare book with me.

We're only on day five. So far, it was the hardest day for me. It was about being rude in your marriage. The discussion questions at the end of the chapter tore me apart. I ended up crying and saying I just can't do this. I left the bedroom and sat in the living room, crying my heart out. I didn't expect him to come after me.

In the past when I cried he would only get more angry and frustrated with me. Last night he came to me, held me, and told me it was okay. That we'd get through this. He said we had to work through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. He said he would never give up on me, on us. Honestly, I didn't know he loved me like this. If our situation was reversed, I'm not sure I would be so understanding.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with my marriage, but I feel more positive today than I have in years.

In case you're wondering, these were the questions that we each had to answer and then discuss:

1. How does your spouse feel about the way you act and speak around them?
2. How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem?
3. Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing?

Then there are the three guidelines for etiquette in a marriage. Just so you know, I have broken all three, consistently, for 20 years.

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated.
2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and your coworkers.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask.
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About my eating and exercise

Yesterday was a horrible eating day for me. I've been feeling like I'm starving, and wanting to eat everything in sight. I'm sure it's my emotional roller coaster that's causing these feelings. I want comfort and love and I think I can find it in food. It's a stupid line of thinking and one I'm trying to stop.

I'm still tracking my Points. Yesterday was a 42 Point day. Yeah, I know, horrible when my goal is 29 total Points a day (20 + 4APs + 5 Weeklies).

I feel a little more in control today. I weighed this morning and I'm down 3.2 pounds from Wednesday. Still up over seven pounds from my lowest weight. It's a struggle.

Exercise is good. I'm putting in an hour a day, six days a week. I'm thinking about cutting back to five days a week. That sounds healthier and more maintainable. Plus I want my weekends to be free. I want to let up on some of my obsessive, compulsive habits. I want to be more normal.