"B*tch!"

"Bitch!"

That's the voicemail I had on my cell phone yesterday afternoon. One simple, yet painful word. I listened to it three times before I realized it was my husband's voice, which made it even more painful to hear. Although he's never actually called me a bitch, I have no doubt he's probably thought it several times during our almost 21 years of marriage.

After our difficult weekend, we both mumbled "I'm sorry" Sunday night, with a goodnight kiss, but there wasn't any makeup sex or "I'm really sorry I said that, I didn't mean it". I think we're both still hurting from the words we spoke (screamed) at each other, but I never expected him to leave me a voicemail that said "Bitch!".

We had talked earlier in the day about the stupid refrigerator that's broken (I think my cleaning frenzy broke it). No anger was involved, just dealing with a mundane domestic problem, a broken appliance. Who's going to call the repair place? Who's going to work from home that day to wait for the repair guy?

I returned his call, furious, and asked what was up with the "Bitch!" voicemail he left for me. He immediately explained he had been calling me when a woman cut him off in traffic. He said "Bitch!" but didn't realize he left it as a voicemail for me. Then he said, "honey, you know I'd never call you that".

Do I really know that? Apparently not since I was sure it was some devious, mean way at getting back at me for my poor behavior all weekend. In all honesty, I'm sort of a bitch to him. I'm not easy to live with.

It's been a bone of contention our entire marriage that I'm really nice to everyone else in my life, except to him. I don't know why I'm like this, it's certainly not how I was raised. My mother was a very kind and loving wife to my father. I never once heard them argue or even raise their voices with each other. I saw a lot of kissing, playful joking, laughter. I remember them taking afternoon "naps" on weekends while I was sent outside to play. I'm sure if I was more like my mom had been as a wife that I'd have a much happier marriage.

I really wish I could change, be nicer to him, kinder, more loving. That voicemail really hit a little too close to home for me. Will it change my bad behavior? Probably for a few days or until he does something else that ticks me off.

I guess I really am a "Bitch!".

Food
A 48-Point day. What can I say? Dinner is what messed me up, whole wheat pasta, pesto (the full-fat kind since he ate all the low-fat stuff). Covered with fresh shaved Parmesan, and wild Alaska salmon. Dessert was a tiny banana, fresh organic raspberries, and vanilla yogurt. Too many Points at dinner, but at least I wasn't up at midnight doing my binge thing.

Exercise (yesterday)
40-minute walk at lunch
20 minutes StairMaster
10 minutes Elliptical
No strength <---not good!

(today)
35 minutes crossramp
30 minutes strength
and I have a lunch date for walking for an hour