I fought the binge and the binge won

The truth: I didn't even try to fight the binge. That's how it won.

Yesterday was my first day of counting calories. It was a big freaking disaster. I was perfect up until 9pm, my bewitching hour. I swear if I could somehow go from 9pm to 6am without entering the kitchen, I could get to my goal weight.

At 9pm I had eaten 1550 calories, and was doing great. Since I had burned 600 calories in two hours of exercise yesterday (walking and the gym), I thought 1600-1700 was a good range of calories for me. Then it happened.

I was putting away leftovers in the freezer, when I spotted my most favorite thing. Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwiches, 140 calories each. I did the math and thought that would only put me up to 1690, I'd still be okay.

After eating one ice cream sandwich, the mindless eating thing happened. I ate the entire package, six ice cream sandwiches for 840 calories. After that I ate two handfuls of pecans for about 400 (?) calories. I don't even know what I was thinking. I guess that's the problem, I wasn't thinking.

I woke up this morning with regrets. My first thoughts almost every morning are what did I eat yesterday, was my eating good or was it bad? It's pathetic. I often wonder if this is how an alcoholic feels after a drinking binge. The remorse, the self-hatred.

To make matters worse, I skipped the gym this morning. I'm extremely sore from some intense workouts the last few days. I'm walking at lunch, and I'll hit the gym on my way home tonight.

I realize last night was just one night, but this is how it starts, my path back to obesity. Will I ever get control of my binge eating? Why is it so easy to lose control? Why do I do this to myself? Is it some form of self-hatred to eat like this? Of course, the biggest question, can I stop this in it's tracks right now? As usual, I don't have the answers, just the questions.

Today is a new day, a new fight. Hopefully, I'll come out a winner today.