The naked truth

If you're looking for some positive reinforcement, you may want to stop reading now and go somewhere else. Any of the blogs I have in my blog roll on the right are usually incredibly upbeat and positive.

My black mood has been with me all week but yesterday I went to a new level of darkness. I watched a video of myself, made yesterday. I was naked. You don't need to know why I made the video, I could write a book about that, just know I made a naked video of myself and watched it. Rather, I watched a few minutes of it and was so repulsed by what I saw I had to stop or run from the room screaming Phoebe style, "My eyes! My eyes!".

It was, to put it as kindly as I can be, absolutely hideous. I don't see myself as I really look. I must have that disease that's the opposite of Anorexia Nervosa, the disease where my mind sees me much skinnier than I really am. The fat on my belly and thighs is flabby and saggy and just ugly. Even my arms that I work so hard on looked flabby. My breasts are droopy, as well as my butt. It was all bad. I can't say one positive thing about my naked body. I was horrified, disgusted, disappointed.

You would think this would make me want to work out even harder to lose weight and get in shape. Sadly, it had the exact opposite effect on me. I felt like saying to hell with the whole thing. Even if I lose another 20 or 30 pounds, I'll still look awful. I know some of it's loose skin, and some of it is just age, regardless, it's not a pretty sight.

It explains a lot of why my husband isn't attracted to me. Seriously, I see nothing sexy in how I look. I don't just want the lights out, I don't even want to be in the room.

I've been told there's nothing as unattractive or unsexy as a woman that doesn't like her body. Well, that's me. I'm hatin' on my body right now.

One of my all time favorite movies is Real Women Have Curves. I love America Ferrera. She's one of my favorite actresses and I love this movie.

I caught a part of Real Women last weekend, the part where she's working in her mom's sewing shop, ironing the dresses. She's hot and sweaty and takes off all her clothes except her bra and panties. She encourages the other women working there to do the same thing. It's a hysterical and touching scene as each overweight woman pulls off her clothes and says, "you want to see cellulite? Look at this, THIS is cellulite." It made me laugh, but more seriously, made me wish I could accept my body for what it is, an almost 54-year old, flabby, overweight female body with curves and cellulite. I want to be like the women in the movie, but it was just a movie, not real life.

I have no profound revelation in this post. Only that I'm sad about how I look, especially after 16 months of hard work. I mentioned something about this to my husband last night, which resulted in a big fight. He said, well, you're not really fat. Maybe you should see a doctor, maybe they can tell you what you can do. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I marched off to bed, alone, sad, and hurt. I'm still reeling from that one. WTF?! See a doctor? His answer for everything I complain about...see a doctor. I'm not even speaking to him this morning. I may never speak to him again.

Well, I said this was a dark post, and it is indeed. The naked truth, I'm unhappy, about my body, about my marriage. Where to from here? I honestly don't know.

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I wonder if I have a touch of this, although seriously, the flaws aren't imagined. They are real.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a disorder in which a person is extremely concerned with their outward appearance, and imagines severe flaws, or distortions, on their body. Typically these flaws are slight imperfections, or are merely imagined. Flaws in the skin, hair and face are most common, although these “flaws” can appear anywhere in the body.

The ugliness felt by those with BDD draws them away from social situations that might draw attention to themselves. Body dysmorphic disorder is sometimes considered a social phobia or a form of obsessive compulsive disorder. Those affected with this disorder are at an increased risk for depression and/or suicide. Plastic surgery is also common among those with this disorder. The poor body image those with BDD suffer from is common in people with eating disorders. People with eating disorders will often seek eating disorder treatment at a local eating disorder residential center in hopes of recovery.