Day 1: Does this mean I'm a failure?

I weighed 154.6 on 2/17/2009. Today I weigh 176.8. That's a gain of 22.2 pounds. I feel like a big, fat failure.

My list of excuses for gaining so much weight is long. The main one is I've been on the road a lot during the last four months. Either work, family emergency or vacation kept me away from home and my routine. I don't do well when I don't follow my routine. Even when I was home for the weekends it took me a day to get back into the groove of things, only to leave on a Monday for another trip. I never got a routine down when I was away. I don't know why, but it just seemed impossible and unimportant.

My hours were long and erratic. I never knew from one day to the next what hours I'd be working or for how long I'd be standing on my feet, and stressed about the endless problems at work. It played havoc on my body and my mind. I feel like I've been depressed for months.

The really sad part is I feel like a complete failure in the weight loss game. It's strange how hard I am on myself. I don't look at other people as failures when they gain weight back, I figure they're just human and that's what happens. We screw things up sometimes. It's just life. I'm not as lenient on myself for a weight gain. Instead I'm highly critical, and consider it a personal failure of the worst kind.

One of my favorite bloggers is going through a personal health crisis. I love this person even though I've never met her in real life. Her enthusiasm is contagious. She recently told me about what she's going through and that she doesn't want to blog publicly anymore because she can't stand being a public failure. That broke my heart. She's just like me. I don't want people to think I'm a failure. I want to be perfect. I want to be a poster child for weight loss. I want to be admired and held up as an example of what can be accomplished. Instead, I'm an example of what NOT to do.

The fact is, I'm not perfect. Far from it in many areas of my life, but especially when it comes to my weight. It's a fight I've been fighting for a very long time and one I'm not ready to give up on. I figure I'll be fighting it to my death.

I know I can lose the weight, again. It frustrates me that I do this to myself. It's damaging to my health and to my mind to gain so much weight. Sometimes I feel like if I don't figure out the real reason for my overeating that I'll never really successful at losing the weight. I have some ideas why I want to eat so much, why I want to be fat, but knowing why doesn't seem to help me conquer my demon.

My goal for the present is to lose the 22.2 pounds. I know what to do, count Points and stay within my allowed Points, and exercise. I've been failing in both areas and that's resulted in a large weight gain.

I'm also going to try my best to post every day. Not mindless posts about where I am on my trips, but posts from my heart. I've noticed my heart hasn't been in the right place lately. The depression shines through most everything I've written lately. I have to pull myself out of this funk and move on with my life.

This is a new day, a new start. No deadlines for me, just one day at a time. I'll also repeat my mantra....I am NOT a failure. I am NOT a failure. Or should I say the positive, I am a successful, worthwhile human being. If only I believe it.