Getting a grip

Yesterday's post was a sad one, one of my "woe is me, my life sucks" posts. Dawn was right when she said it sounded like depression. I was depressed and have been for months. Mild depression, not suicidal stuff, just a feeling that all is not right in my world. Some days are darker than others and yesterday was one of the darkest.

This morning I woke up feeling a wee bit better about my life. It's really not quite as bad as I make it sound. It's not perfect by a long shot, but on the other hand, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Christmas always does this too me, makes me sad for the things and people I don't have in my life. I miss my mother a lot this time of year because she always made the holidays so special for me when I was a kid. My childhood Christmases are the stuff of a Norman Rockwell painting. It was perfect, or at least, that's how I remember it.

This year I started early on the seasonal depression so by the time the Christmas season came around, I was in a pit of despair and self-pity. I credit a lot of my sadness to all the traveling I've done for work during the past four months. It was a strain on me, my health, my diet and exercise routine, as well as on my marriage.

Today I see some light in my life, it's not all darkness. I have a feeling of optimism, like maybe I'll make it through this and everything will turn out okay.

My husband and I are talking, laughing, joking around, almost back to our old life. The hateful and spiteful things we said to each other while in Edmonton are still between us, like a wedge trying to drive us apart. We're trying to get back to what we had and what we know we can have again. Marriage takes work, and neither one of us wants to give up on "us".

Today I'm cleaning the house and then we're putting up the tree this afternoon. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with my husband. Something I haven't felt for several months.

I also have plans to go to the gym, but limit my time there to one hour. The last two days I've gone for two full hours each day. I realize that's utterly ridiculous. No one should spend that much time working out every day unless they're a professional body builder. I just want to be healthy, not spend my life in a gym.

I have a better grip on reality today. I feel more like me. The cloud of doom and gloom seems to have lifted somewhat, and I can actually say I feel a flicker of happiness. I just hope I can hold onto this ray of light.

~Diana
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