Trying to stay positive

Over the past several days I thought of a hundred things to write about but all the topics were downers. Each time I'd even think about writing a post I found myself spiraling down into a self-pity party.

My Edmonton trip is over. Having my husband go with me was a huge mistake. Instead of making things better, it made me miserable. When I'm working in a new city away from home, I'm highly stressed. After a day of meeting new people, trouble shooting problems, making endless phone calls to my home office, the last thing I wanted to do is go out and have "fun". I just wanted to crawl to my hotel room and collapse.

As a result of me not being fun, we had a huge fight while in Edmonton. Probably one of our all time worse fights in our 21 years of marriage. He left a day early to go home, which was fine with me. I couldn't handle the double stress of my day job and then my night job of being a loving wife.

Even though it's been almost a week we're both still mentally bruised from the arguing. We both regret what happened, but what's done is done. We can't take back the hurtful, mean things we said to each other.

Now we have the added stress of Christmas, the season of joy. Sorry, but I'm just not feeling it. I want to feel happy and peace on earth and all that other stuff I'm suppose to feel this time of year, but it's not happening.

I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. We had plans to travel to Denver and Arkansas to see my husband's family, but I think we're putting that on hold until after the new year. I can't bear the thought of getting on another plane. Maybe it's incredibly selfish of me but I need to stay home for a while.

We even talked about spending Christmas apart, but we both know that would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage so we both agreed we're not ready for something like that...since that would really be the end of us as a couple.

So much for remaining positive. This is probably just about the most depressing post I've ever written.

On the diet front, I'm hanging in there at 175.8. I was at the gym for two hours yesterday, getting back into the swing of things with the exercise. It felt good.

My goal is to try and get to 170 by the end of 2009, which isn't too far from where I was on December 31, 2008 - 165.2. That means I'm up 10 pounds from a year ago.

Never mind that I dropped down to 152 for a brief period during the past year so technically I'm up 20+ pounds. I just don't want to think about that right now.

I'm going eat healthy for the rest of the year and hit the gym every day. That's my goal for the next two weeks. I'll set new goals for 2010, but right now I can't think that far into the future. I'm just trying to get through a day at a time....and stay positive (not doing so good with the positive crap).