MMX

It's really 2010. It seems unreal to me. I was born in 1955. The year 2010 sounded like science fiction. I never thought I'd live until 2010. Where are the flying cars? I should be living in a space bubble high above the earth like in the Jetsons, with my flying car. Nothing is as cool as I thought it was going to be...including my life.

Don't worry, this isn't a Sad Sack, 'woe is me' post. It's just me facing the reality that is my life right now. Luckily I can see there's hope. I can make my life better, I can be who and what I want to be (within reason of course, I'll probably never be an astronaut and make it to Mars in my lifetime).

This morning I was emptying the dishwasher and realized how absolutely dirty the silverware drawer had become, full of crumbs and God knows what else. It's a miracle we don't have bugs crawling around in our kitchen.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd emptied out the silverware drawer and replaced the drawer liner. That led to a thorough cleaning of the kitchen and relining shelves and drawers, throwing away a load of junk. Did I ever mention I'm married to a borderline hoarder?

While I was doing this it gave me time to think about my life. I need to clean out the junk in my head. It's become cluttered with negativity. Self-talk that I wouldn't say to my absolute worst enemy.

I always claim I'm working on stopping the negative self-talk, but honestly, it continues, and I don't do a thing to stop it. It's probably the meanest thing I do to myself, which is probably a big contributor to why I overeat, which is the other mean thing I do to myself. It's also part of why my marriage suffers. If I hate myself so much how can he possibly love me?

So in January 1 tradition, here's my list of things I want to work on this year. Listed in order of priority.

1. Work on my marriage, for real this time. This is going to be our make it year. I want to make this a marriage worth being in, not one of convenience. I realize a big chunk of "working on it" is going to fall on my shoulders. I'm great at ignoring things I don't want to face.

2. Work on stopping the negative self-talk. I have lots of books on improving self-esteem and they all address this problem. I buy them but I don't read them. Even though I claim I want to fix myself I won't put in the effort. I need to like myself more. Right now I'm not feeling it, so it's going to be a long road.

3. My weight. This is a weight loss blog and you'd think this would be numero uno, but I need to really work on #1 and #2 in order for #3 to happen. Unresolved issues is what I believe is preventing me from getting to goal.

If I don't even like myself why would I bother with losing weight?

If I think I'm not lovable and not even worthy of being in a great marriage then again, why bother with losing weight?

I'm also going to reset my goal weight. I've been saying 135 is my goal, but let's be real. I'm almost 55 (technically not until August). I'm never going to weigh what I did in high school. It's not the same body or the same metabolism or the same anything. 145 sounds more realistic and would be a healthy weight for me.

4. Declutter my life. This is the year we tackle the garage. Seriously babe, if it's not been touched in ten years since we moved into this house, isn't it time to toss it? I would like to once again park my car inside the garage.

I've been watching the Hoarder show and it scares the crap out of me. I think we could become the star of that show if we don't start getting rid of junk. The very fact that we can't park in the garage is an indication we have a problem.

5. Continue with my exercise routine. 2009 was a great year for me for exercise. I averaged five to six workouts a week, always at least an hour, often two hours for each session.

In September my job went bananas with all the traveling and my routine went to hell. As soon as I was home again on a regular basis, I've gotten right back into my routine. I'm right back at it. This week I've worked out five days with only Wednesday off because my arms and legs were so sore that I could hardly move.

Now here's the exercise goal for 2010. Keep at it, don't stop. I've done this so many times in my life where I've been working out like a maniac for months and months, then one day, I just quit. In the past I've completely stopped working out, stopped any kind of exercise for no apparent reason other than I was tired of it. That was always followed by a huge weight gain (last time it was 100+ pounds).

That's it, my list of junk to do in MMX. I feel kind of tired looking at the list, it's such a short list but there's a lot of work ahead of me.

Here's to a great year, for all of us. :D