Hello chickens

Well I think I have finally bit the bullet and taken control of my fat carcass. I emailed this woman called Jane last night. She offers mobile fills around the UK. She had her band about 3 years ago, and also by Dr. Dillemans, has lost 6 stone and is a qualified nurse to boot.

I think I might like to see her to get some insight into my band and whats going on, whether I need to have all the fluid out and just give myself a break for a while with everything thats going on, or whether what I need is a fine tuning, or whether actually I just need a kick up the Harris to get over myself.

I feel really really cruddy right now. Its probably a case of getting over the hell of that operation, coupled with monthly hormones and also the stress of the shop fitting etc. I just feel like I need a break. Its half term here right now and I have this week off work. Its Wednesday already and I have to work on Saturday and I don't feel like I have had a rest at all!

Everytime I go to the loo I think I am going to get that excruciating pain again and I just feel like I am in the down-in-the-dumps circle of depression and misery and I actually don't want to feel like this.

I am drinking way too much wine to have any weightloss, and eating too much sweets and ice cream and just generally feeling miserable for myself, but I haven't had a blow out binge which is something I guess.

I have had a nasty few days Friday -Monday where I could not eat/drink too and it always makes me feel like I need to catch up!!! On Saturday I had a coffee before I left for work, then a coffee at a pupils and then I was feeling really rubbish, so came home. I couldn't drink another coffee and I puked some of it. I tired squash, puke, and basically everything until midnight was not going down. I managed 2 black coffees over an hour at about midnight (if I drink milk when this tight, it curdles and turns into lumps of cheese and just makes the situation worse) then I had a very wet curry sauce that I made in the evening for dinner for the family, but it was about 1/4 cup and it wasn't feeling too great.

Sunday followed the same patten. 2 coffees in the morning, a few hours later nothing going down. pukey pukey puke and in the end I just went back to bed. After a sleep I managed some liquids, and Monday was exactly the same but much more soul destroying.

We went to London on a trip. I had a coffee before we left, no probs. I had a sip of drink on the coach, and it stuck. Nothing I could do about it for an hour until we got there and I had to rush to the loo and puke it. After the tour we went to Pizza Express. Now when I heard that this was where we were going for lunch, I was just like filled with dread and disappointment. Its NEVER going to happen at pizza express. After 3 days of tightness, pizza express is the last place on the planet I wanted to be.

I tried to be good and work my band, so I ordered a coffee, olives (as they always go down) and then a weird aubergine and cheese sauce bake - nice and sloppy. Our friend on our table also ordered a bottle of red between the 4 of us. I managed 4 sips of coffee and it was full stop. I waited till the feeling passed and tried an olive. Nope. I sat there for half an hour and watched everyone heartily enjoying themselves drinking wine, eating massive pizza's and having a lovely time and I wandered off to the bogs.

It was the most disappointing feeling in the world. Not because I couldn't eat, but because I also knew I wouldn't lose any weight because of it either. I ate bog all for 4 days and lost nothing. Then I had to face the barrage of 'why cant you eat' 'is that nice?' 'why didn't you eat your dinner r u poorly?' etc etc and then the whole dissection of me having a band and how they just wished I was happy again and how they all were basically saying I should just have it removed and does it really matter about being 20 stone?

They did make a lot of sense. At that point, considering I was only 3 miles away from the Harley Street clinic where I usually have the fills, I felt like just booking in and having it all removed and just "BLOW IT".

Now, I kind of feel guilty that I have paid all this money to have the band, put my family through hell twice because of the band blowing, gone through so much during those horrible months when it was broken, lost so much money through illness with it, tried so darn hard, almost given up 35 times a week, and spent £100 a throw on 14 fills odd, and should I really give up now?

Its been 3 years guys and I don't know which way is up any more.

On a more positive note, Albert Ladysmith Steptoe has allowed me to eat anything I darn well please yesterday and today so far. So I am at full fury defcon 1, and then instantly at full stepdown and peace negotiations.

I honestly don't know if I can handle the whirlwind ups and downs of this nightmare that is my band any more. I am done with the fickleness of it.

Maybe I should have the fluid out and rest my gastric juices for a while, and then start again...

I just don't know.