Silence is not always golden

I haven't posted since Monday. That's very unusual for me. I've been posting almost daily for two years.

It wasn't because I didn't have anything to say this past week. I had a lot to say, but all of it was negative, sad, and depressing. I felt like I'd fallen into a pit of despair and self-pity. For some reason I just couldn't bring myself to share it with the world. I've never really suffered from depression for more than a day or two, then I'd always bounce back and all would be well with my world. This time it feels different.

I can't even watch the news without crying. Tonight at the gym I was on the treadmill trying to run, seeing if my knee would hold up (it did). CNN was on the TV in front of me, a special report on Haiti. Just what I didn't need to see. I was literally in tears and had to get off the treadmill and head to a different area of the gym (sans TV).

I'm short-tempered at work lately, which is totally unlike me. The co-worker I work with the closest pointed out to me that I was rude to him in a meeting last week. I didn't even realize it, but I remember he irritated me, and I said something I probably shouldn't have said.

It's been a string of things in the past few weeks that seem to be weighing heavy on me. Nothing specific that I can blame for this darkness in my soul. It's like a shroud of despair is hanging over me. I feel a deep sadness that I've never experienced.

I'm not suicidal but I do wonder about the purpose of life, specifically, the purpose of my life. Do I really matter to anyone?

I'm married but I really believe my husband would be happier with someone else. Someone who shares his same interests, his same beliefs. Somewhere along the way in the past 21 years we have grown apart. Sometimes I fear it's too far apart and we may never be able to fix our marriage.

I'm still hanging steady with my weight at 176. That's depressing me. I feel fat. My size 12 jeans are very snug. My size 10 skirt barely zips, and I can't even wear it in public. My size 10 blazers feel tight across the shoulders. Yet I seem paralyzed to do anything about it. I want to lose weight but I'm barely able to not gain any additional weight.

I guess you can see why I haven't posted all week. Who wants to read this kind of crap? It's not uplifting, it doesn't inspire or encourage. If anything I'm probably pulling you down with me.

Maybe I'll figure this out. Maybe it's just a phase and it'll pass. Maybe I should shut up about it now. Maybe silence IS golden.