hmmm

Well I am sitting here eating 3 slices of toast with butter on. It seemed a good time to write a few words about my weightloss expedition. It would seem that the party of 1 has stopped bothering.

I am alive, well and still huge. I think I am currently 17 stone 9 ( 247lbs) or there abouts. This means that I am only 5 pounds less than I was when I had my original Lap Band surgery, and just 2 pounds shy of the weight I was when I had it fixed.

I am just having a plain old rest up. I don't care right now about my weight, its just nice to eat things again. Its nice not to have to worry about each mouthful or think of portion size or worry about puking in-front of my family on a daily basis.

When I am good and ready I can take it back off the shelf and give it a go again. I am pretty sure that I was in a no win situation with my band a month or so back where it was inflamed, so i ate crap, then tried to eat too much cos feeling shit about myself eating crap, then it inflamed again bla bla bla.

I am sure I stretched my little pouch, and needed to have it released so that things can return to normal. Funnily enough I still don't feel like I am completely normal. When I had pizza the other day I had to stop a bit and let it go down... but its basically just like the old me again.

My stomach has definitely shrunk though, which is amazing. I cannot eat the quantities of food which I used to, and its not because there is the residual elements of the band.. its because my stomach feels like its going to explode with sheer gluttony! Its the stomach actually telling me to stop for a change, which I have never EVER had before or since banding.

So, maybe there are some positives. However, I do feel like I think only of the negatives. I cant seem to help myself. We just decorated the hall and stairs, and the pic of my brother and me at his wedding just before I had the disastrous unfill in September 2008 is where I weighed 15 stone 7. thats 2 stone less (28lbs!) and it does make a difference to the way I look. Just 2 measly stone is all it is between looking like a fat munter and looking passably normal.

Ho hum.

Anyway, couple that with all the other shit, I think I just need a break. I have stopped taking amatryptaline as it was SCREWING MY BRAIN OUT. I was not getting used to it and it made me feel as terrible as terrible can be, so they started me a couple weeks ago on Gabapentin. its an anti epileptic, and helps with nerve pain - which is apparently what I have. They use it for people who have a car smash, crush their arm and have to amputate, but that person can still feel the pain in the arm even though its not there. The damaged nerves never heal because they were severed. They think this happened somehow in my bladder from a terrible infection. The only terrible infection I remember was when I was 14. It was awful and I was in hospital and they thought I had meningitis, but I didn't. It was a kidney infection apparently. So that's what they think its from, and its never gone away. I suffered with what I thought was cystitis for years and years, but actually it was this. The only time the pain went away, was when I was on anti depressants. But I have been off them for 18 months now, so that's why it all came back again.

the gabapentin is certainly helping. I have had maybe 1 or 2 twinges over the last few weeks, but that's it. I am now (as of last night) up to the full dosage so that should go completely soon - I have had to step the dosages you see rather than just swallow 300mg in one go.

So that's all good. I am still going to slimmingworld, although the woman must think I am crazy since I have put on 7 pounds since joining her class!! We changed our names, and went to a new town and they have no idea who we are HAHAHA awesome. So much for their privacy policy eh? I think that sux what they did to me, and that didn't help my mood or decision to have an unfill. those consultants need sacking, but they didn't want to hear it at head office when I called... i wrote about it about 2 years ago on here.

Anyway, thanks for all your support, I will update this now and then let you know I am still alive, and of course let you know when I resume the expedition in all earnest.

There are glimmers of hope... I have been reading about Chinese diets for weightloss... so something is still going on in this mind and doesn't want to give up, but just has to have a little nap for a while.

speak later