It happened last night

After writing my post last night about how I was going to get all serious about getting to goal, I went nuts. That's the only way I can explain it.

I haven't had a binge in weeks, since I quit eating sugar about six weeks ago. It felt like a miracle, and then last night happened.

Yesterday my husband and I had an argument. It's an old battle and there are never any winners in this one. We both walk away wounded and hurt and nothing is ever resolved. It has to do with his crazy family.

Later we both said we were sorry, but as usual, the hurt words still hung between us. After these arguments it takes a while to heal and get back to normal. He went to bed early, I stayed up and watched a really bad movie, Couples Retreat. Stupid movie, don't waste your time on it. Especially don't watch it after fighting with your spouse.

That's when I lost control. I had frozen my Muscatel grapes earlier and had a cookie sheet full of them in the freezer, frozen to perfection. These grapes are incredible, sweet and crunchy when frozen, and are a wonderful treat (beats those horrible Weight Watcher ice cream bars...one of my former binge foods). These grapes are expensive, $3.99 a pound, but totally worth it. I buy three pounds every week, freeze them, put them in baggies, one Point per cup.

Last night I ate seven cups of frozen grapes, eight Points. It made for a 30-Point day (I get 20 daily Points, but always use my 35 and I had 7 Activity Points for the day). I realize this isn't horrible, and I've done a lot worse in the past. Many times I'd eat an entire box of Weight Watcher ice cream bars in a couple hours (18.5 Points), along with a lot of other things. I would also stop counting the Points in the past because I just figured the day was ruined and I didn't want to know how bad I had messed up. Last night I tracked everything I ate,.

My issue is that I felt totally out of control. I was watching the movie and eating the grapes. I went through cup after cup of grapes and barely tasted them. My tongue was practically frozen by the time I was done. I even contemplated opening up a bottle of wine, something I haven't done in several months. I felt like numbing the pain, but decided it wouldn't be worth it.

In my Weight Watchers' meeting yesterday our leader said there's a reason we're carrying around this extra weight. We wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't filling a need. We have to figure out why we're doing it and then get past it.

I have an idea of why I want to keep this last thirty pounds on my body. It is serving a purpose. It's totally stupid and I know it's stupid, yet I keep doing it. It's a really personal reason, and one I'm not quite ready to share on this blog (because it's embarrassing!). Maybe later this week I'll post about it, if I get the courage (you'll probably think I'm an idiot, but I suppose that's nothing new).

Have a great Sunday, and I will be back tomorrow! (item #5 for getting to goal, post here every day)