Still dragging but hanging on

It's late, 10:14 p.m. as I write this post. I promised myself I'd post every day this week, like I've done for the past two years. Except for the past month, I've barely posted once a week. It's not like I'm out living a fabulous, fun-filled life, it's more like I'm just trying to stay afloat.

I continue to sleep the sleep of the damned, waking up several times during the night. I've tried all kinds of things, Ambien, Simply Sleep, meditation, quiet time before bed with Sleepytime tea, Melatonin, and sleep techniques I used when I worked a graveyard shift thirty years ago that always worked like a charm. NOTHING is working. Now it's to the point where the more I worry about it, the worse it's getting. I really don't want to go back to the doctor for a sleeping aid, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point. I just know it's kind of killing me. Everything is in shades of gray when I'm exhausted.

Even my workout this morning wasn't up to par. Usually I can fake my way through it, and I kind of did that this morning, although I seriously contemplated going home after five minutes. I made it through the hour but felt like I was climbing through mud when I was doing the StairMaster. It was as close to torture as I care to get.

One bright spot is I have to retire my size 12 slacks. I have several pairs that I bought last fall because I gained twenty pounds when I was doing all that traveling for work. I've almost lost all of it (19), and now my size 10's all fit. This is the first time in many decades that I'll start summer at the weight I was last summer, which is a weight after losing 75 pounds. Usually by now I would have regained all 75 pounds plus an extra 10-20 for good measure. Of course, I still want to lost another 20+ pounds. Will I ever be happy with my weight? Probably not.

I don't feel like I've beat this thing by any means, but I'm closer than I've ever been in my entire life on figuring this out.

Today a coworker, someone that's thin and at his healthy weight, made a comment when I said "I'm soooo hungry!". He listens to me all the time saying I'm hungry. He's always watching his weight, being very careful what he eats. I complained that some days it feels more out of control than others and today was a really hard day for me food wise. He just looked at me and smiled, he said "I've just accepted that being hungry sometimes is a fact of life." He's right, that's all it is, just a fact of life. Sometimes I'm hungry, and sometimes I'm not. It's just a fact.