The longer I do this the harder it is to do

I know it just doesn't make any sense, does it? Given all my knowledge about weight loss and Weight Watchers and South Beach and Jenny Craig and NutriSystems and every other diet I've ever tried, this should be a walk in the park by now.

So tell me, why does it seem harder now than ever before in my life? I simply don't get it.

In the last three years I went from 240 pounds down to 152 pounds, then up to 174, then down to 156 then again up to 174. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and I can pull my self out of it. 

Honestly, I'm just sick and tired of myself and my weight. Every day all throughout my day I think about my weight. They say guys think about sex every 30 seconds, I think about food at least that often or more.

It's like I've broken whatever it was in me that was doing so well. It's like I almost don't even care anymore. My size 12's are snug. Not unbearably tight, yet. They could be with another 10 pounds. They're not loose and falling off of me like they were at 152 or even at 166.

I can't say I'm totally miserable. I still exercise on a consistent basis, cardio and weight lifting, but I eat too much. Therefore, I'm not happy with my body. I feel fat. I am fat.

I don't expect anyone to have the answer for me. I know I have to find it inside myself. Somehow. I just haven't figured it out yet. After a lifetime of doing this I still don't have the answers. It seems like the longer this goes on, the harder it is for me to keep doing it.

I'm not giving up and throwing in the towel. I'm just saying I feel kind of defeated at the moment. Like there's something terribly wrong with me that I can't beat this thing.