Will lost

Ahhh guys, I really am struggling.

I was this morning 119kg, so no losses, and a bit of a gain since I bothered last time, but I am my own worst enemy.

I spend each day pretty much thus:

wake,
drink jasmine tea or black tea or black coffee

Possibly have lunch - maybe mashed potato with cheese, maybe a sandwich (prawn cocktail extra sauce on the side to help it down) maybe chicken noodle doodle packet soup. Usually nothing.

Mon/Tues/Wed
go to work, come home around 10pm order takeaway (current favorite, korma sauce for starter, followed by chicken madras and mushroom rice) or have a jacket potato with cheese and coleslaw + wine.

thursday/friday/sat/sunday
no work, so usually something I have made, but I rarely eat with the family. I like to wait, relax, take my time and eat at my pace on the sofa watching telly. I get myself a nice big pot of jasmine tea, my dinner, my favorite show that has been recorded on the sky+ and watch it.

Some meals I have made recently:
curry
spanakopita (spinach and cheese pie - greek dish, filo pastry etc)
waffles, beans, eggs & gammon
sausage & mash
jacket spuds
chicken salads

oh god its so depressing.

I don't know why I am even bothering to write this shit down.

I am in a rut, know I have to change but just simply can't be bothered. Yesterday for instance I had 3 cadburys crunchie bars, 1 bowl of chickpea curry (homemade), 2 fishcakes, and a bag of prawns in cocktail sauce and half a bottle of red wine.

Why did I pick those things? I dunno. They didn't make me feel any better, I wasn't eating them because I felt bad/emotional/happy/sad I just ate them as that was what was around.

I got fish and chips for my son and his mate who was sleeping over, DH got his own thing when he went out in the evening to a show, Charlotte had dinner at her mates house, and I made the curry with rice for Al. I had a bowl of that whilst he was eating his cos it was tasty but that was it.

I later made myself the prawn thing and sat down and watched Dirty dancing: Havana nights (sweet film).

I am not feeling particularly hungry, but if I try hard enough - and you girls know what i mean i am sure - I can get a large meal down me.

I have never got this restriction word. Like actually understood it. Is restriction when you eat it stops in your throat, or a full feeling? I mean it's 9:20am. I have had nothing to drink and am straight out of bed so if i got a slice of toast/mouthful of porridge/rusk/cornflakes or even yogurt it would go GLUNK and sit there for ages. Is that restriction??

If I have a jasmine tea or 2 and then a mouthful of toast/porridge/rusk/cornflakes or yogurt it will go down. I will feel it - like "is it, isn't it hmmm" kind of feel it and then I will be able to have another bite 2 minutes later etc.... Is that what I should do?

Cos you know, I can never be arsed. Cos its such a fucking palaver, I just don't bother. I am not hungry, so why eat? Is this the mistake??

I get peckish around about 11am and normally will get something - a biscuit, or soup or something safe. Maybe I just know this band too well and know its weaknesses and its loop holes.

I am still heavier than I was at my operation date which is nearly 4 years ago now. It will be 4 years in February.

Oh man that just makes me wanna cry. I am still paying off the loan that I took out to have this surgery. I only have another year of that and then it's gone. It just feels like money for nothing.

I dunno if it's me, whether I am just not cut out for the band and I should have had the bypass, or what. I know we had a chat with the surgeon and he asked me all the questions to see which would suit me and there were several in our 'production line' Belgian weightloss surgery package club who were advised to have RNY. But not me. He said it would be fine.

I think I am just born to be a a fat bastard, but I worry about so much stuff right now that this is one thing I don't think I can look at. I have ruined hair, clothes that don't fit me filling my draws and a 2 week holiday looming down on me which is all inclusive and I have nothing to wear on and no money to change  the situation with.

I am getting to the point where I really really do think that this isn't going to work for me now. I had hoped after unfilling my band for those 4 months would re-open the window of opportunity but it's not doing it the same as before. I just don't know what to do. Should I have another fill so that I am tighter than a ducks arse and only able to 'eat' fluids?? 

Should I be following some kind of diet?

Everyone higher up (fill nurse, doctors and even Dr. Dillemans) says that you just eat normally. I don't know what normal is. I don't seem to be able to control myself to eat the right things.

Maybe if I had a RNY I would get my act together because of the horrible side effects if I didn't. But maybe I would just find the loop holes again.

I really don't know which way is up. I don't really want placitudes, or hope, or help, I just needed to tell you all that this is the situation right now.

If I had £6k I would be on the way to Belgium I think. The only thing is, I am really scared of RNY surgery because my dad had bowel cancer and the stitches came undone inside him when they put his bowel back together and he nearly died by shitting inside his body cavity (see older posts). Apparently this is common.

Now I know RNY is not the bowel as such, but they do chop a bit and stitch it somewhere else right? What if it came undone?????????? this is what I am worried about. I would also want Dr. Dillemans to do the surgery in Belgium as I think its so much cleaner etc, but it's Belgium and if I had a problem what would happen???

I might go and visit my doctor and ask her. I mean people emigrate all the time so they cant like refuse to treat you right?

Or am I just chasing a dream that is unrealistic. Does it really matter? I have a son and husband who love and adore me and although my legs are starting to mottle with broken starburst veins from my lupus.... I am not going to die too young am I?

From Lupus information sheet: 
Heart disease is more common than expected in patients with lupus and affects up to 10% of patients. Overall it is a factor in 30% of deaths in patients with lupus. Studies suggest that women aged 35-44 years with SLE are 50 times more likely to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) than healthy women of the same age. Risk factors should be addressed eg stopping smoking, losing weight. High blood pressure should be lowered and any other contributory factors (such as the anti-phospholipid antibodies which cause 'sticky blood') treated.

I have systemic lupus and also anti-phospholipid syndrome. I am also 34 years old.

The outlook is pretty fucking bleak.

Ok, I am gunna stop now. I don't seem to be able to keep my will strong and pro the cause long enough to make a difference and I don't know how I can change my inner drive so that it will stay the course.

Mind transplant?