Fewer candy bars, more vegetables

My last post was titled "into every life a little rain must fall". That theme continued throughout the week and into my weekend.

Yesterday, Saturday, I drove into the office so I could do some heads down coding, without the interruptions at home. I was there for twelve hours.

I took an hour break and drove over to a Bally's gym in Kent. I'd never been to this gym before but it was 5 miles from my work so it was convenient. Even though I got in a a 30-minute elliptical workout, it was probably the worst gym I've ever visited. I felt like I was going to hit my head on the ceiling when I was on the elliptical.

To annoy me even further there was some goofy guy standing right in front of me doing weird stretching exercises and wiggling his butt back and forth, sticking it up in the air. He did these odd stretching exercises for twenty minutes. It was very odd, especially since the gym was almost empty and he could have chosen a more private location for his obscene stretches. I didn't stay for any strength training. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

My job these past few weeks has been more coding than anything else. It's hard to explain coding if you're not not familiar with writing code (software development). It's sort of like figuring out a puzzle and getting all the pieces to fit together to create something. Sometimes though, you just can't get the pieces to fit so you try to force them and then you wind up with a big, ugly mess. That's where I was after twelve hours yesterday. Nothing worked.

Last night I dreamed about writing code all night. I tossed and turned, trying to come up with a plan to fix the mess I created. I came up with a few new approaches to try and after trying them today, they seem to be working, with the exception of one test scenario that I can't seem to figure out.

My eating has suffered a lot lately. Yesterday I ate candy for the first time in several weeks. The vending machine kept calling my name, and I had the stupid thought that maybe a little sugar would help me figure out the problem. After three Milky Way bars and two packages of cookies (at 600 calories each for the cookies and they were tiny packages), I was worse off than before. Not only was my mind not working at peak performance (which I desperately needed), but I felt sick and guilty.

I had brought healthy food with me to eat during the day, fresh fruit, turkey breast, carrot sticks, cherry tomatoes, some hummus. Good, healthy food. I didn't want it, I just wanted candy. Something, anything to make me feel better.

It totally backfired on me. The sugar made me feel sick, hot, sweaty, and my mind wasn't working. All I wanted to do was just cry. Finally, by 9pm, I gave up, went home, feeling sad and defeated.

After four slices of cheese and a glass of wine, I felt even worse. My husband was already asleep so there was no one to share my misery, just me and my cat.

Today, Sunday, has gone a tiny bit better. After a marathon house cleaning this morning, with my husband's help (he's trying to be super nice because he knows I'm stressed to the max right now), I started working on my project starting at noon. It's going a bit better, but I'm still not code complete.

I finally have accepted that the world is not going to end if I don't get this done. Life will go on.

My eating this past week has been all over the place. Healthy one day, candy bars the next. I don't think I ate a single vegetable yesterday (I made up for it today). Candy bars, cookies, and fruit. It was a terrible day that was was reflected in what I saw on the scale this morning. 188.6. Talk about adding insult to injury. I know it's just a number. I know it doesn't define me, etc. etc. etc. However, it's a direct reflection of how poorly I handle stress.

Right now, I'm just trying to remember to breathe and try my best to eat healthy good  in moderate portions. Fewer candy bars and more vegetables.