Can't think of a title.

Back from Fuertaventura. It was awesome. High 20's and 30's  every day and about minus 10 at night (Celsius!) No, it was really lovely but you did need your cardie in the evenings because until 1st January the bar/lounge was thick with tobacco fog so sitting outside was a bit nippy.

Then a miracle happened. A smoking ban came in for our last week. YAY! So we could sit inside and see each other from across the table. And be a bit warmer too.

Can't believe Spain have introduced a smoking ban. Its a pretty smokey culture lets face it. I don't think anywhere else, apart from china maybe, has such a culture of smoking for leisure. It was fabulous after the ban it really was.

I used to smoke as you know, but never ever felt comfortable smoking in public or in bars... I always took myself off to the garage at home and sat with a blanket and a good book to have my fag. I never smoked inside the house, but I always smoked in the car. It used to while away the hours. I hated going somewhere and coming back reeking of fags so I always avoided smokey dives even when I was on 25 a day!!! Yes, I really had quite a habit on me. Thankfully, and bafflingly, I have never craved cigarettes since stopping, and the smell puts me off more than whets my appetite, so its always find it a bit of a bonus these little smoking bans.

Anyway, news. The results came back clear for Paget's, so that's a bonus. Now we are on to trying to find out what the hell it really is. Apparently its rather baffling. I like to be different!

The band. Meh. What is there to say. It stopped me eating pretty much all holiday so I stayed the same weight (unheard of!) throughout my holiday.

I am toying with the ides of
a.)

Having all fluid out and doing slimmingworld really seriously

or b.)

Having a small fill so that I can eat absolutely fuck all.

What say ye?

My fill provider - Jane Wilkinson-Tancock - suggested that maybe I needed a small fill - maybe 0.25ml. Her reasons were because my day is pretty much thus:
breakfast - coffee
lunch - tea (possible soup option)
dinner - tea
evening snack - full meal + toast + snacks

...so I need something to stop me eating so much in the evening.

I would appreciate your thoughts because it does make me wonder why I can eat whatever I please after about 9pm. However I think maybe this is not the best option for me and I should just forget it and do slimmingworld. It seems easier (and cheaper) and it means I can eat stuff.

It will be 4 years in February which I cannot believe. I need to do something one way or another as I just feel uncomfortable. I am not sure if I actually have what it takes to make the band work for me now as I am too far down the line, know all the cheats and am not able to control myself enough not to resort to them.

Maybe I just don't want to lose weight? I dunno. I am pretty sure I do cos I hate the way I look and feel, but I am not sure if I want to submit my body to the puking and not eating things again. I know people say  "nooo that is not how it should be!" but it is! It IS like that for me. Either I am not losing weight and eating like above, or too tight and I puke several times a day and get grizzly and annoyed because I cant eat stuff. That is what it's like. There doesn't seem to be the happy medium for me.
I have tried to find it but its the most elusive little fucker on earth.

Anyway, I dunno which way to jump. If I unfill then I have to stick to it or I am going to get bigger. If I have a fill I can see myself sitting in the same situation and being annoyed and frustrated just like I am now + a bit of puking.

hmmm.

Well we shall see. Do I give it one more little shot?

I haven't forgotten the idea of going to your clinic either Caroline :-) I might just do that.I know that when I was trying to stick to my calorie goal on daily plate it was very very hard. I wasn't doing slimmingworld though. If I do slimmingworld I can eat untold stuff and just avoid fats. If I have a fill I will eat less than I am now and that makes me feel a little sick too. Jeez. Does it really matter?

Actually does it?