Thank you & finding peace

Thank you!
Tonight I finally sat down and read all your sweet comments from my SOS post last Tuesday. Most of you can relate to my issues, and several of you feel like you're in the same boat. There were a lot of great ideas on how to beat my late night eating, things I'll be trying in the near future. You guys are very kind. Instead of just writing me off as a lunatic (which lately, I wouldn't blame you), you came to my rescue. I love you guys. You're the best.

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Figuring things out

This past week I've been trying to figure things out, trying to understand what is wrong with me, or even if perhaps there really isn't anything that terribly wrong. Other than the fact I've been running around in a totally chaotic, frenzied state regarding my weight, I think I just may be okay after all. As sweet Kelly! said, I'm not really "broken".

I've been totally obsessed with trying to find the perfect plan for me to lose weight. Count calories, count Points, count calories AND Points. Do Weight Watchers, don't do Weight Watchers, try a blogger's challenge. Exercise like a maniac, cut back on the exercise, more cardio, less cardio, heavier weights less reps, lighter weights more reps.

Frankly, I'm tired of the insanity. Enough already.

The people I admire the most are the ones that have made peace with food and with themselves. Dawn, Grace, Roxie, Helen, Carla (Miz Fit), Lyn, Lynn, Loretta, Sheryl (Ms. Bitch Cakes), Sean, Allan, Tony and many others just like them are my real heroes.

These people have come to terms with who they are as a person, they've accepted themselves and find value in their very existence. This has dramatically changed their relationship with food. I want to follow in their footsteps.

I haven't totally figured this all out for myself yet, but I have figured out that what I was doing wasn't working. Hating myself, putting myself down constantly, calling myself terrible names, not even liking myself a little bit, all of that has to stop.  I know my low self-esteem is a big reason why I try to comfort myself with food. My overeating is just a symptom of bigger issues.

I've been reading Bob Greene's "The Life You Want. Get Motivated, Lose Weight and Be Happy". He lists the main obstacles that cause people to struggle with losing weight and maintaining the loss. I'm only about a third into the book but so far I really like it. It's not as "new agey" as the last book I read on this topic (Geneen Roth and I can't even remember the name of that book).

This is what it says about body image (The Life You Want, Chapter 1, page 29):

It's crucial to not only accept your body but also make taking care of it a priority, no matter what else is happening in your life. "You might worry, 'If I accept my body, then I will become complacent and just gain more weight, " says Ann Kearny-Cooke. "However, I have found that the opposite is true:  Beating yourself up about your appearance and putting yourself down is the last thing that motivates healthy lifestyle change." In fact, once you are able to improve your body image, you will choose to actively take care of your body (by, say, increasing your physical activity, and giving up fried foods and overeating at night).

You can see why I'm hooked on this book.

In the meantime, what am I doing to lose weight?
Well, I've decided to just calm the hell down. No more jumping from one idea to another, trying to find the quick fix to a broken Diana. I'm slightly askew, certainly not perfect, but not broken either.

I went to Weight Watchers on Saturday and for the first time ever I decided not to weigh in. I just didn't feel like facing the scale. Instead I checked in with the receptionist and stayed for the meeting. It was about Power Foods (a concept I really like...to read more about it, check out Sheryl's post on power foods, much better than anything I could write).

After the meeting I talked with Janis, my Weight Watcher leader. I was honest with her and told her I was struggling and felt hungry all the time. She suggested I eat mostly power foods to keep the hunger at bay. She also asked me if I was eating any of my 49 weekly Points. I told that actually, I hadn't really been following the plan, I had tried to cut way back and as a result had become ravenously hungry which usually led to a binge on an almost nightly basis.

She suggested I track everything I eat this week, every day, every bite and to really focus on the power foods. I'm going to print it out to take with me to next Saturday's meeting. She told me to weigh in with her because she wants to see how I do. If I don't lose then she wants to talk to me after the meeting. She said "we'll figure this out together".  I love her.

Janis is a Diamond Weight Watcher leader meaning she's in the top 20% of the leaders to have the most members make it to goal and has the most Lifetimers. I feel relieved that I finally talked to her and told her about my struggles. I also feel like I have to be extremely accountable this week because I made a promise to her. I've already printed off yesterday and today's food tracker (I have a pre-bedtime snack planned tonight...a Weight Watcher smoothie with milk and a frozen banana). I've also added these two days to my food diary blog. No more calorie counting. That was making me even more crazy.

On thing you'll notice if you look at my food diary is that I'm not eating all my Points. I don't know how to explain this because I've always been one to eat all my daily Points, all my Weekly Points AND all my Activity Points. I can honestly say since I've started focusing on power foods, I'm not hungry all the time.

I also feel like I'm eating a massive volume of food. This has me a little concerned, and I can't possibly see how this can work for losing weight. I promised Janis I would give this my best effort, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not limiting my fruit intake, but I'm not eating large amounts of it. In fact, I'm eating a lot less than I use to eat on the old plan.

Exercise has been really good for the last week. My husband even went with me today. It's become such a part of my life these last three years that I can't ever imagine stopping. I still have my mornings when I'd rather just stay in bed, but I don't give in very often. It's a necessary task that I have to complete every day, just like brushing my teeth.

Again, I just want to thank you all so very much for your support. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure where I'd be without it, and I credit all of you for helping me stay afloat on this thing, even when I just want to give up. I thank God for you every day. I really do.