Losing it...the last 20

I remember when I was at my highest weight of 240 and I'd read posts written by other people, posting about trying to lose their last 20 pounds. I'd think 'oh brother! Just shut up already." I wanted to read about someone with real problems, problems like my own, someone that had over 100 pounds to lose.

Now I'm one of those people that I held in such disdain, and perhaps was a bit jealous of their plight. I felt that 20 pounds was nothing, that any moron could drop 20 pounds. Well, I must be a total and complete moron because I can't seem to lose this weight.

I'm pretty sure I'm hanging on to it for psychological reasons. I secretly think when I get to goal my life will be perfect, and if it's not, then I'll make it perfect. Whether it's my job or my marriage or my smallish breasts, I'll fix it. Because I'll be skinny and the world will be my oyster. Deep down in my heart, I know that's a load of crap. My life won't be perfect, and I won't be any more capable of making it perfect when I'm skinny than I am now.

I'm hanging on to this last 20 pounds for the same reason I held on to the last 85 pounds. It's my excuse. My excuse for not living my life like I should be living it. For not taking care of things that need my attention. I'm the world's greatest procrastinator, and if there's a problem in my life, I'll do my best to avoid it. I'm the proverbial head in the sand girl.

So knowing all this about myself should make this next step easier, right? You would think so, but it doesn't seem to really help. It's almost like knowing this is making it even harder for me. If I lose the 20 pounds and my life isn't fabulous, then what excuse will I have for the problems in my life? I won't be able to blame them on my fat. I'll have to put the blame squarely on my own shoulders. That's not exactly something I look forward to doing.

I have no real answer to this little dilemma of mine. Except one. I need to move forward and damn what happens when I reach my goal. I need to stop thinking about the whys and the whats of not being able to do this: Why can't I lose this weight? Why don't I want to lose the weight? What am I afraid of? What's stopping me? I have the answers to all those questions and they're all irrelevant.

I just need to do this, for me. Not because it'll make my life perfect, it most certainly won't. Maybe it'll make me take responsibility for my life and fix what needs fixing, and not blame the fat girl for making it all so impossible.

Favorite foods of the month:
(both from my neighborhood fresh produce market--so delicious!)
Fresh Sweet Darling strawberries (super sweet)
Baby Tuscan melons (I'd never seen these before)

I've also changed my breakfast to having a protein shake every other day using goat whey. I prefer my yummy egg-2% cheese-Canadian bacon-multi-grain muffin for 6 Points, but the shake has 40 grams of protein for the same 6 Points, versus 26 grams of protein for the egg sandwich. It's not as tasty, but I'm trying to increase my protein without increasing my caloric intake too much.

Exercise 5/18/2009:
20 minutes elliptical
20 minutes StairMaster

55 minutes - Upper body workout (intense w/ 20 & 25 pound dumbbells/50 pound triceps pull downs)

I'm kicking up my strength training a notch. I read a fitness book over the weekend and worked up a new routine for myself. Three sets, fewer reps done pyramid (8 - 10 - 12), with heavier weights, 20 and 25 pound dumbbells. Alternate day Upper/Lower body workouts. Limit strength to four times a week , one hour - this is going to kill me. I love strength training. It's my favorite thing at the gym.

I was doing 2 sets with, 15 reps, with 15- and 20-pound dumbbells. I haven't seen any change in my muscles for several months. If I want MizFit's arms, I'm going to have to work for them.